I wonder if they'll find the marble he swallowed when he was 7 years old?

Sometime in the next two weeks, Dan will have three sets of scans done to determine where else in his frame cancer has taken up residency.

1. CAT/PET scans -- both involve ingesting and/or injesting stuff that helps find "masses" (read: tumors) and leaves certain tell-tale signs when it encounters cancer cells. The tumor landscape and signs are read by x-rays and interpreted by a radiologist using a computer and a ouija board.

2. Bone scan -- no clue how this is administered, it's another radiology thing that involved tracking isotopes moving through the bones. This will probably take the longest of the tests. But it's no match for . . .

3. Bone marrow -- Dan apparently missed the part about punching through his hip bone with a big long needle for this test. Shhhh, don't tell him that it's going to hurt like a sumbitch. He's still kind of freaked out about the whole cancer thing.

Tests #1 and #2 will be administered at some radiology facility of Dr. T's choice, and #3 will be done at the oncology clinic on August 17, when the the first two are complete.

Please note that an MRI is not on the menu. That's because Dr. T only prescribes MRIs if he believes the cancer has moved into the brain. He doesn't suspect that's the case for Dan.

Dan will have a heart test (EKG) before beginning treatment just because he's almost 40 and there have been some heart issues in his family. Again, Dr. T doesn't expect to find anything here. It's mainly to assess Dan's health before beginning chemo.

Also, there will be lots of blood tests. Cause, you know, blood tests are totally accurate and helpful and show exactly what's wrong, all the time . . . normal kidney function, my ass.